The Way we Think

There is a life law stating “The way we think, brings the results we have in life. Consequently, if we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.” That same insight is reflected in the 12 step program's definition of insanity: ”Doing the same thing over and over again but each time expecting a different result.” The drunk thinks that this time he can safely drive drunk, the diabetic eat high calorie foods without going into shock, the dieter binge on super sodas and French fries without gaining weight, etc. Each time I listen to the news, especially relating to the fiscal, immigration, healthcare, or gun debates I find myself reflecting on these truisms and just how insane our actions and attempts at problem solving often are.

Successful people and businesses are successful precisely because they are willing to look at current results to find the insights needed to make positive changes. They are not locked into a specific ideology or way of doing something. They are not only willing to accept what is actually going on as a result of their thoughts and practices, but they then choose to change the way they approach and think about challenges them. They seek to reframe their problem using completely different paradymes so that the challenges can be approached from entirely new perspectives. They start with a desired end result (increased sales, increased safety, more innovation) and then work backward instead of defending current practices and specific belief systems. We need to do the same thing regarding family conflicts, social issues, financial challenges, political stalemates.

For instance, if a stream is polluted and the source of pollution is defined, it is illogical to expect that stream to clean up that stream by adding more pollution. If a specific medication causes specific side effects, things will not improve by increasing the dosage. Yet when it comes to gun violence a commonly argued solution is adding more guns to the population. Perhaps we could find some common ground if we chose to reframe the issue by looking at gun violence as a health issue, by looking a guns as possessions similar to cars that require licenses, special insurance, and training.

There is a life law stating “The way we think, brings the results we have in life. Consequently, if we change the way we look at things, the things we look at change.” That same insight is reflected in the 12 step program's definition of insanity:”doing the same thing over and over again but each time expecting a different result.” The drunk thinks that this time he can safely drive drunk, the diabetic eat high calorie foods without going into shock, the dieter binge on super sodas and french fries without gaining weight, etc. Each time I listen to the news, especially relating to the fiscal, immigration, healthcare, or gun debates I find myself reflecting on these truisms and just how insane our actions and attempts at problem solving often are.

Joyce Shutt is pastor emeritus of the Fairfield Mennonite church.

Life lessons

Over the years, life has taught me many lessons. Because these insights are so critical to my daily contentment I am choosing to work on them instead of making new resolutions. Among these are:

--Not comparing myself to others. We are all unique and have different gifts and abilities.

--Because life is unpredictable, I choose to live one day at a time, enjoy one moment at a time, and accept hardship as the pathway to peace of mind.

--Letting go of worry about the future or stewing about the past with all of its disappointments, failures and heartaches frees me to enjoy today.

– Instead of saving good manners for company, my family and friends deserve my respect and thoughtfulness.

--Since pain in life is inevitable, and suffering is optional, I get to choose my responses.

-- The only times I fail is when I quit trying.

-- Taking chances and struggling to master a new skill teaches me to be braver, more creative, and more trusting.

--Eating smaller portions, more fruits and vegetables, and less sugar, plus walking every day helps me feel better physically and emotionally.

--In most situations less is really more. Getting too attached to my “stuff” makes me more fearful, distrustful, and suspicious.

--Facebook or text messages can't substitute for sitting across a table and talking with someone I love.

--Heartbreak and difficulty often bring out the best in us. Recognizing that all of us are broken motivates me to be more tolerant and gracious toward others and to give up my need to be right.

--Random acts of kindness make a fantastic difference!

--What is best for others is ultimately best for me. Life is not about “me” but “we.” Living by the Golden Rule enriches my life.

--Accepting that those I love will inevitably disappoint, hurt and betray me at times, allows me to let go of my unrealistic expectations. As the popular saying puts it, “the quickest way to receive love is to give love. The quickest way to lose love is to hold it too tightly. The best way to keep love is to give it wings.”

--To be without hope is to be without purpose. I can be just as happy as I make up my mind to be.

--Life is not a race or something to be endured. Life is a journey to be savored each step of the way. By looking for the positive and being grateful for the small mercies of each day I am more able to learn the lessons life tries to teach me.

--Gratitude is the secret ingredient of a joyous, contented life. I choose to intentionally practice gratitude every day no matter what is happening.

--It's when I feel most broken and alienated that I try to remind myself that I am a beloved child of God because “God don't make no junk.”

--The most profound answer to my prayers is not having things go my way or getting the answers I desire but resting in the quiet assurance that God is love.

Joyce Shutt is pastor emeritus of the Fairfield Mennonite Church.

Grieving our way into hope

Life is filled with loss. Death, divorce, abuse, poor parenting, moves, jobs, kids leaving home, pets dying, long term friendships ending. Much of our political polarization stems from the “technological revolution” we're living in with all the changes that implies, including job losses, the communication revolution, unfunded wars, the Wall Street debacle, gun violence. Such change/loss is overwhelming. Too many of us respond with some form of addiction, be it drinking, perscription drugs, street drugs, smoking, hoarding, compulsive exercising, scapegoating. Scapegoating the President, Democrats, Romney, Republicans, Muslims, illegals, the schools, even God. We are a people in grief.

Grieving is hard work. Grief always unearths unresolved issues, regrets, guilt, good and bad memories, that painful stuff we stuff. But denial is not the answer. Unless we do the hard work of grieving, we will just get sicker, more dysfunctional, more polarized. The rise of mental illnesses, cancer, auto immune diseases, etc. inevitably follows major tragedy, trauma, and conflict. Especially when unresolved bitterness, anger, and resentment is so pervasive. It's been said that bitterness or resentment is pouring a cup of poison for someone else then drinking it yourself.

One of life's great illusions is that we can control what happens to and around us. We think, “if others would just to do things my way, I'd be happy.” Not so. Being control freaks simply sets us up for more failure and dysfunction, leading to more catastrophic consequences, death and loss. What are we to do? Grieve. Grieve our way into hope.

There are specific steps in the grieving process which apply to all forms of loss. Kubler-Ross identified them as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Elaborating a bit, denial masks the anger and blame that defines how we relate to others and ourselves when in pain. Owning our anger, we can identify the deep hurts and fears that subconsciously control our lives. But letting go of the anger also means reliving the pain of loss and loneliness.

For a time we may try to bargain away those painful feelings by saying “if I/we do this, then...” but eventually we must feel the hurt that comes with loss and loneliness. Feeling the loss and loneliness allows us to work through the insecurity, fear, and anxiety that is so much a part of change, death, loss. Owning such feelings develops awareness of how those feelings make us feel inadequate, helpless, worthless.

As we recognize our feelings of helplessness we can identify the many dysfunctional ways we use to gain some sense of control in our work, family, and social systems. We can then stop blaming others. We can accept what is, that we can't change the past. We can start focusing on now, finding new ways to behave, react, adapt rather than obsessively trying to control and change others. And by accepting that we can't control most of what happens in life, that loss is a part of life, we are freed in amazing ways. For instance, many re-discover God, not as one who can prevent pain or difficulty if we are “good”, but as a loving presence that helps us embrace and deal with life's uncertainities and loss.

Joyce Shutt is the pastor emeritus of the Fairfield Mennonite Church.