Grieving our way into hope

Life is filled with loss. Death, divorce, abuse, poor parenting, moves, jobs, kids leaving home, pets dying, long term friendships ending. Much of our political polarization stems from the “technological revolution” we're living in with all the changes that implies, including job losses, the communication revolution, unfunded wars, the Wall Street debacle, gun violence. Such change/loss is overwhelming. Too many of us respond with some form of addiction, be it drinking, perscription drugs, street drugs, smoking, hoarding, compulsive exercising, scapegoating. Scapegoating the President, Democrats, Romney, Republicans, Muslims, illegals, the schools, even God. We are a people in grief.

Grieving is hard work. Grief always unearths unresolved issues, regrets, guilt, good and bad memories, that painful stuff we stuff. But denial is not the answer. Unless we do the hard work of grieving, we will just get sicker, more dysfunctional, more polarized. The rise of mental illnesses, cancer, auto immune diseases, etc. inevitably follows major tragedy, trauma, and conflict. Especially when unresolved bitterness, anger, and resentment is so pervasive. It's been said that bitterness or resentment is pouring a cup of poison for someone else then drinking it yourself.

One of life's great illusions is that we can control what happens to and around us. We think, “if others would just to do things my way, I'd be happy.” Not so. Being control freaks simply sets us up for more failure and dysfunction, leading to more catastrophic consequences, death and loss. What are we to do? Grieve. Grieve our way into hope.

There are specific steps in the grieving process which apply to all forms of loss. Kubler-Ross identified them as denial, anger, bargaining, depression, and acceptance. Elaborating a bit, denial masks the anger and blame that defines how we relate to others and ourselves when in pain. Owning our anger, we can identify the deep hurts and fears that subconsciously control our lives. But letting go of the anger also means reliving the pain of loss and loneliness.

For a time we may try to bargain away those painful feelings by saying “if I/we do this, then...” but eventually we must feel the hurt that comes with loss and loneliness. Feeling the loss and loneliness allows us to work through the insecurity, fear, and anxiety that is so much a part of change, death, loss. Owning such feelings develops awareness of how those feelings make us feel inadequate, helpless, worthless.

As we recognize our feelings of helplessness we can identify the many dysfunctional ways we use to gain some sense of control in our work, family, and social systems. We can then stop blaming others. We can accept what is, that we can't change the past. We can start focusing on now, finding new ways to behave, react, adapt rather than obsessively trying to control and change others. And by accepting that we can't control most of what happens in life, that loss is a part of life, we are freed in amazing ways. For instance, many re-discover God, not as one who can prevent pain or difficulty if we are “good”, but as a loving presence that helps us embrace and deal with life's uncertainities and loss.

Joyce Shutt is the pastor emeritus of the Fairfield Mennonite Church.